First time I’ve done this – but there’s a request for comments below! If you can bear reading through this long post, I’d appreciate it, or just jump to the bottom!

So – I’ve been on this whole introversion stint for the past few days. I’ve been cancelling dinners with friends, just so I have sufficient time to think and digest what’s going on. And it’s been a wild ride. I’ve been going deep and broad.

And the result – well it’s phenomenally simple. Awareness. Ta da!

Let me explain… it started with the understanding that you can’t cheat the body. By going through the workouts with Adrian, I started to gain a level of contentment and happiness that I’ve only felt on my Western America trip and in Costa Rica. That freaked me out. I was trying to figure out what the association was. Was I being broken down, was I energized by a crush that I had on Adrian, what was it?

Turns out it was all and none of that.

Working out as I have has introduced a new experience into my life. Both in the exercising moment and after – the aches, the food, the nutrition. It’s different. And it’s something that keeps my mind refreshed. I can’t cheat. My body or my mind. My mind doesn’t know what’s next, so it keeps it aware.

I was aware when I was on Mount Rainer, Lake Tahoe, Yosemite, Yellowstone on the Western America trip. I’d never seen that kinda of beautiful landscape. With that kind of acute awareness, I gained such a clarity of thought, which Drew – my tourguide – helped facilitate, because I was gushing out all these thoughts of disliking the way I was living my life – the materialism, the lack of access to nature, etc… it was so new, but I was also so flustered. I’ve been flustered for the past 5 days.

Then there was Costa Rica. I’d never before seen a proper palm tree. I’d never been in a rainforest. I’d never been ziplining. I’d never been thrown off a platform bungee jump style and into a tarzan swing. It was so fresh and invigorating. Your mind can’t coast. Your mind can’t run in auto pilot while it runs a routine. It has to focus intensely on the present moment because it’s different. Nothing’s gone before. This is now.

It’s awareness. It’s acute awareness to the moment you have right now. You’re grounded completely in the here and now. And that’s what gives you energy.

I had completely forgotten the key insight I get when I come back from a holiday like that – to keep changing things, to try something new every day, to not fall helplessly into old routines. Letting the mind go onto autopilot is the enemy of awareness. When the mind can fall into old ‘coasting’ patterns, it fails to engage. It fails to ignite, and you coast through life. That’s what I’ve been doing for the past few months. Having the loft slug on and on and on made me numb. It’s taken me months to get over it.

Awareness is an interesting place to get to. You need to ignite it. You need something to spark it off for you – you can’t just think – I’ll focus intently on this, and it’ll happen. That doesn’t work. You need something to spark you – for me it’s typically been trips – Western America and Costa Rica. It’s the only time I’ve experienced it. And therefore I implicitly associated it with it. That’s why I’ve wanted to do 3x holidays a year to further that spark – because you tend to lose it when you’re home.

But the bodybuilding with Adrian has bucked that trend. It’s taught me it’s not about going to wild new places, it’s about being present in the moment. Keeping your awareness keenly focussed on now.

But here’s the crux of this insight… it’s now. It’s this moment. You just need to keep the mind active, surprised and fresh. You need to work hard to ensure it doesn’t indulge in routine or just tend to coast. You can do that a number of ways… one key element is meditation. Once you have clarity, meditation is one of those elements that’ll help you sustain it. But it’ll need support. You need fresh experiences. New and exciting experiences that keep you grounded and focussed in the moment. As soon as you take that for granted, you’re fucked. Simple. Your mind with grow numb again.

And that’s where I want to open this to comments – pretty please. I’ve started to itemize a few things that could help maintain awareness… what would you do to keep your mind active… new experiences, new and fresh activity???

Here’s what I’ve started with:

• Travelling to new places
• Reading a new book – something that make you think and reflect
• Watching a movie – something that boosts the heart rate (horror), or pulls at the heart strings (August Rush, Into the Wild, Blind Side)
• Walking to a new place
• A brand new activity (ziplining, white water rafting)
• A brand new location
• Doing something out of the ordinary – like going to a new location with no safety net – no plans – no hotel, no nothing
• Appearance – pushing boundaries – hawk, septum, etc…

What do you think? What would you do? Let me know in the comments…

One final thing… I’ve titled this post awareness = energy. Awareness gives you the energy to be more aware. It gives you the motivation to continue to be aware. It’s an upward cycle. One that you just don’t wanna get off.

His example of a trek was way more intensive than mine – when he’d guide people, he’d break them down. Do about 6-8hours of intensive kayaking every day for the first few days, which’d break you down to the point of exhaustion. He then noticed that people changed. Some people didn’t – some people wouldn’t be able to handle it. But there comes a point where you’re faced with – what now? I’m in this situation, this context, this circumstance – how am I going to proceed… and that’s a powerful decision.

I haven’t ever experienced that situation – my treks have been reasonably luxurious (as much as camping can be)… but I’m beginning to get that kind of sense in this training right now.

When you have that moment – and if you face up to it – a lot of learning happens. A lot of realizations filter in. When you break down, you start to learn a lot more about yourself. It’s the same with any adversity. It’s nothing new.

And I’m not trying to compare being 7 days deep in the forest to training 4 times per week. It’s an unfair comparison, but the learnings provoked may be similar… and I say this because I’m learning a shitload right now. Not surface learning, but really deep learning. And I believe it’s this appreciation for the body that’s driving that. It’s this ground level appreciation – I’m not appreciating art or furniture or architecture (this time). I’m appreciating the mechanics of the body and mind. It’s internalized. It’s just me against whatever’s out there. Just like the people on those treks.

It’s wild.

I think back to when I had my gynecomastia surgery way back when… when I came out of the surgery, I was all over my Mum, making sure she was OK, not too bored, had enough food, that people were taking care of here. And I was the one that had just had the intense surgery.

I find I’m a different person in the face of hardships. I’m a better person. I’m more caring and considerate. When things are comfortable and easy, I take things for granted – I’ll bring in that coasting notion again. When you fight, you focus.

This is the hardest I’ve ever worked out. The aches are motivational in keeping up with excellent nutrition – because I can still feel the aches, I don’t want to cheat and have a bad meal, because that’ll be going against the effort I put in at the gym. It’s a positive cycle that keeps compounding on itself.

I think what I’m trying to say throughout all of this is that right now I’m on a training high. The experience is as physical as it is mental. And I’m loving it. Talk about getting addicted. Dammit.

Ate, relaxed and then got journalling. I forget how freeing writing a journal is. And I have a lot of stuff to catch up on! OMG. Yesterday I crawled into so many new crevices. Wow. The mind’s just racing.

A lot of it is stemming from this learning that you can’t cheat your body – extending that to coasting on life and being a victim to circumstance (versus psychological victimization). I won’t delve too deep into that right now, because I’m still working through it myself – and that’s more of a journal conversation for the time being. But I’ll bring it onto this blog when it’s ready. Once it’s simmered and not just a simple rant.

Today was cardio and abs at the gym. Not particularly intensive. 10mins running. 20mins bike. 30mins abs. Pretty straightforward. Could feel the abs while working out, but not to the same extent as the rest of the back and shoulders.

The shoulders are still hurting. Sorry – aching. And the back’s starting. I guess the good thing about rotating this workout, is that it continues to move your aches from one muscle group to another, so as soon as you’re fed up with your shoulders aching, your back aches, and so you forget the aching shoulders as they’re a lesser ache to the back. Well, d’uh.

Oh – and some good news this morning – I was talking to Meg, and she commented on how she’s noticed a change with my shoulders and back Woo hoo!!! Now just gotta work a shitload on the chest, which I’ve always known is worse than the back or legs. That’s definitely a place I need to grow – as well as the shoulders – and we’re going to be hitting them hard. Ouch.

Once again, I can’t say how important this experience is. I’m learning so much. SO MUCH. And only a part of it relates to the gym and fitness.

But it’s also given my cause to consider its implications. This is a three month commitment to this mass gain cycle. And it’s only going to get harder from this point (or easier as the muscles compensate). I may (hopefully) look at myself three months from now and see a new person. A new physical appearance.

And that got me thinking. I’m pushing myself in ways that I never have before. I’ve never pushed myself this hard. It’s new, refreshing, scary and demanding all at the same time.

I’ve had a good life life. One that hasn’t required a whole lot of downs. Ive got most of what I’ve wanted. I never had to push particularly hard – that’s why I’ve always had a gut. It’s easier to eat the nuggets and fries than focus on good nutrition. I’ve always been reasonably smart – that’s why I’ve got a good job, good salary and all the fringe benefits that come from that.

But I’ve never really had to work extremely hard for anything – and perhaps that’s why things are just OK. I’m reasonably fit. Yes, I rock at my job, but I’m probably not pushing myself as hard as I could to get ahead – or to get into the likes of Google or Microsoft. I’m pushing, but I’m coasting. I’m doing enough to ensure I’m in the top 10%, but doing that with shortcuts.

This is why bodybuilding is so important – there are no shortcuts. I’m learning that. It’s hard fucking work. Its continuous. The dedication and motivation is huge. The ability to assess – on the fly – between age old decisions (comfort food v quinoa) are coming up all the time (and are getting easier and easier to make).

I’m facing things head on (with help). But the fact is, Adrian – in this respect – is acting a bit like a life coach for me. Not intentionally, but that’s what’s happening. I’m starting to face up to more and more stuff in my life. Taking ownership. I’ll admit that I was never a victim – with psychological matters – but with health and life, I’m a total victim. Because it required effort – physical and sustained effort.

Anyways – I’m getting onto a bit of a rant there.

Training is teaching me so much more than just training. I hope I continue to see that and remember that as I go through this.

And – from another point of view – it also helps to look at others differently. This is hard work. People who have great bodies may be many things – vain, self interested, etc… but fat people are those things too. They’ve gone through the hard work to get to where they are. Some have it easier, and if they do, you can normally tell that in their attitudes to life. They don’t quite appreciate where they’ve got to as much. As much as those harder gainers, or those people who’ve been podgy that are growing out of it. They’re growing up and evolving, and their whole being in growing up in tandem.

I guess what I’m trying to say – is that I’ve known for a while that I’ve had an easy life. Things have come to me easily. But This won’t. Ive always wanted them to invent a machine like acupuncture where you stick needles in, shoot an electric currant through, and it sparks the muscles. Go in one a day, and it’ll act like the most amazing workout ever. It doesn’t exist. All that exists is hard work and motivation.

With computers and all things electronic where there are cheats, god mode in games, an undo button, it gives us a false sense of control and the ability to skip over our electronic lives, if we wish. But in our real lives, we can’t.

I say a long time back in one of my posts to view ‘life as it is.’ This is it. It’s hard shit. Bring it on.

There’s a lot happening, and I’ve got to take notice of that. And I’ve got to appreciate that too. Right now it’s not straightforward. Which is why I think I need to focus more intently on my goals here on my blog – fitness, frugality and meditation. They are my life priorities at this present moment in time. They will hopefully act as my foundation moving forward. Strengthen them, and other things will fall into place.

So – this is me taking a step back for a few minutes, and appreciating that a hell of a lot is going on. And that it’s working well – thus far.

Being both fit and frugal are important compliments to each other. Yesterday I finally managed to actually run through how much I spend a week on food. And it’s a lot. It’s so much that I was shocked at how much I was spending on food.

So in the interests of being frugal, things need to change – obviously – and I’m putting a plan in place to achieve that. It’s not going to taste as good as the past few weeks / months of eating, but it’ll be better for me, it’ll cut my spend on food in half (every week) and I’ll know exactly what goes into every single meal that I’m eating, rather than just hoping that Longos is creating my food with healthy ingredients!

It basically means that I’m going to be cooking more (lots more at home) and preparing food before I take it into work, rather than continuously buying at Longos, as much as I’ve been enjoying that!!!

So being fit isn’t mutually exclusive of being frugal. In fact, for the past couple of months, they’ve been strongly conflicting, which had to end.

And that’s kind of where the meditation comes in. I’m having to face a lot of disappointing things right now – you can’t do this, you can’t do that for one reason or another – money or fit lifestyle – and that’s ok – but I find you need good energy, focus and attention to continuously be able to review, assess and commit to the right things. That’s where meditation comes in and propels you to a keen awareness that facilitates that.

And I’ll admit, I’m not shit hot on the meditation right now. The fact I bought an iPad last week kinda distracted me, but I need to get back to it. The benefits of meditating are huge, and once again, complimentary to my other goals of fitness and frugality. Meditation is the facilitator. Fitness and frugality are the outcomes.

When it came to the judging, one of the judges said that he wasn’t ‘traditionally handsome’ but that his technique, his skill, his energy just flew off the stage and made him exceptionally engaging.

All of those things are elements that cannot be conveyed in stills, in photography. They’re elements that you’ll likely never see in those ‘traditionally handsome’ people featured in magazines. They’re not mutually exclusive, but they’re just harder to find.

I found one of those guys on my trek. Up on the crest of the highest ridge I met this guy. He had glasses, was OK, not amazing. But we chatted for about 10 seconds and I was hooked. He had an edge. He had an assurance. He had something about him… when I saw him later, I realized that he certainly had a bit of a punky edge – a tat, his ears showed that he’s had plugs in, he wore a tight vest under a thin white tee, nicely showing the outline of the vest, and nicely showing the outline of his body.

Why am I saying all this? Because I’ve never been traditionally handsome. And I never will be. No matter how hard I try – and I’ve tried. Tried hard. At some level, one of the goals in the gym is to be ‘traditionally handsome’ – a more muscular body helping me to achieve that which I’ve never been able to myself.

But the hard truth is that it won’t ever happen. I’ve spent a lot of my life comparing myself. I know implicitly that I want to be the best at anything that I do. Whether that’s in UX, or whether that’s in appearance. I don’t like being at a club, and being looked over. Yes – there’s vanity there too. There’s a part of my that just wants to be the center of attention, and knowing that, to be able to disregard that attention. There’s a certain assurance or confidence in that.

The same is true of the gym. I’m in the lower 20-30% of the gym right now, in my own mind (that may or may not be true). That’s not good enough for me. I want to be better. I need to be in the top 10-20%.

But – that’s taking me away from my point here. Traditionally handsome is what’s most appreciated in the material world. It’s face value. In a world where we don’t get enough time to meet people, to get to know them, we have to take them at face value. And now with the internet, there’s no getting to know each other. There’s just one face swipe after another, until you find the one that captures your attention.

There’s such a pressure to make an impact, to subscribe to what is considered traditionally beautiful, but some people just don’t. Like me. And I need to be fine with that. Because – you know what – the people that count, get it. The people that count get that it’s not about traditional beauty – in fact it’s those rough edges that set you apart. It’s that energy conveyed in the eyes, expressions, intensity of conversation and communication that engage.

And that’s a form of beauty. And that can convey so much in pictures too.

Which brings me to Slava Mogutin. He’s the bf of Brian Kenney. You know, the skinny, kinda buff dude that I’ve gone on and on and one about for some time?

Well, for some reason, my mind one day switched off from Brian and focussed on Slava. I’ll never be a Kenney. He’s always been fit. A good face, photogenic. That’s not me. I’m the man behind the camera… more of a Slava. And Slava’s good looking – he’s got an incredible body. But he’s no Kenney, or Josh Duhamel, or Ryan Reynolds. But that’s not the point. He’s found himself and conveys that.

I need to stop setting standards at levels I know I can’t achieve. And just get to know – appearance wise – where I can take mine, in my own special way. I don’t quite have an answer to that yet, but I’m working on it.

This weekend I’m planning to do some form of sesshin. That’s a whole lot of meditation. I also have a lot of stuff I need to follow up on: photos from Peru, notes in books, etc… The goal of this weekend is no ‘lazy time’ – ie. no TV, no movies. No vegging. Be focussed. Walk, read, be productive (create those books), etc… I wanted this weekend to be a whole sesshin (ie. meditate on and off for every hour), but I think there’s too much I want to get done before next week. I think – on balance – it’ll be better to get things done, rather than let them linger, which’ll have an impact on mindfulness too.

But – it’ll be good. Lots of sleep this weekend. LOTS.

I’m walking around the office on more of a high. Thank fucking God. Finally. Well – finally as in hours. Still – a long way to go before I get back to where I was, and exceed it!

It just occurred to me how each of these support each other…

Spiritual – as in meditation and creating greater awareness of the moment – is what provides the foundation for being fit and frugal. Both of these elements require judgements on a moment by moment basis… an awareness of actions and behaviours, without letting them distill into gut reactions that’ll run the risk of defaulting back to normal.

By maintaining an acute awareness, you keep the mind ‘on’, ready to choose what makes you fit and frugal from the selections that you’re presented.

I just realized this. Having meditated for a few minutes. My mind was busy – wildly busy. But I got a few moments of stillness. And that’s what I wish to cultivate. Because with that, the other elements will come. Because I’ll make decisions based on the moment, rather than just natural, this is what’s always gone before… cos it ain’t gonna go now!